To the editor: Still wallowing in guilt after reading a headline "Americans Waste More Water Brushing Teeth Annually than Total Consumption in Pigeon Ford Tennessee," I read the Daily Sun article about environmental damage caused by Valentine's Day roses. I had sinned! A dozen roses hastening environment ruin (but improving my in-home standing.)
Guilt ridden, I poured another cup of unfairly traded coffee and probably deprived a poor farmer of offering his beloved a box of chocolates (probably from an unfairly traded cocoa farmer.) I thought about exercising but did not lest I endanger the environment with excessive carbon dioxide released from rapid breathing. Guilt overcame me when I put on my shirt made of environmentally unfriendly, soil-damaging cotton. I put on slacks made of wool sheared from methane-producing, environmentally unfriendly sheep. I felt worse when I realized that the wool must be cleaned using environmentally dangerous chemicals (else I smell like a goat.)
As I put on my socks, I realized they were demon-oil-based and opted for Crocs; Aargh! They're oil-based, too!
Walking out barefoot in 19-degree temperature to retrieve my Daily Sun, my toes were frostbitten. "Go to the emergency room," my wife said. We drove our polluting, gas-powered SUV to a clinic filled with technology from greedy, profit-driven enterprises. Filled with remorse, I made an emergency trip to my psychiatrist. His advice cost about $75 per word. "Get a life."
Never again will I risk the world by buying Valentine's Day roses.
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